Wanted.

Exams supposedly ended 5 days ago. (Yes I am ignoring the existence of stats reexamination next week.) And when I got home I immediately realized the meaninglessness of my life once again. I guess once we all stop dwelling in our progress towards any form of achievement, the feeling of being lost inevitably resurfaces.

Now what? Should I continue dwelling in the meaninglessness of my life? Well I would go on holiday, but I overcame the idea that now's just not the time. Managed to instead cherish the idea of its potentiality pretty thoroughly tho hahahah. Just hoping the suspense of finally being able to experience all the carefreeness in the world and the satisfaction of having just kicked life in balls eventually turns into reality. But in the meantime, I will settle with my luck of having a brain already injected with some form of temporary 'tolerance' serum that's been preventing the coagulation of impatient thoughts. We be waitin all day err day..

On the other hand, I've met so many people who can't wait to be on their way to fulfill the need of either a well-deserved getaway, or some trip dedicated to their desire to find out who they really are through solitude. And as much as I respect such audacity, some come home with plates, emptier than they were before. "Maybe it's time to stop asking questions and start searching for answers.", they all said. Unfortunately, I've seen how answers have apparently, only led to more questions... and frustration. And it is this frustration that I REALLY question.

Is it really that hard to understand the idea that you need to learn when to constantly go after something new in your life, and when to just wait for the right fucking moment? Because honestly..... I don't see many people who abruptly stray away from the path they're in, ultimately land themselves in an environment they've been dreaming of their entire lives, right off the bat. ._.

I. love. how. people. get. angry. after. confusing. themselves. lol.

I mean, if you are capable of dreaming big and you have this crazy imagination of how your life is gonna turn out by changing whatever it is you're doing now, well, then don't give up, and turn it into your reality man. I genuinely support you. But if you're gonna get frustrated the moment you start venturing into this whole dimension that none of us have ever seen just because everything doesn't make sense even after awhile and you end up doubting your new entire persona, then may I suggest you get the fuck out of your own whirlpool and stop going all apeshit..?

Because at the end of the day, it is alarming to know that there're people who try really hard to accomplish what is beyond them and in turn neglect what they can do with the opportunities that's been handed to them on a silver platter. Why do these people NOT SEE, that having the ability to adapt and make full use of what they already have, can eventually lead to something more than what is expected of it..? How special must your accomplishment really be, in order for you to be truly satisfied?

Of course.... we all have differing definitions of what exactly is 'beyond us'. And we all do not define 'opportunities' in the same manner because it can be ambiguous, the certainty of how something will eventually become useful/useless, in the long run. But I guess, such is the magnificence, of our intertwined understanding of each other's aspirations in life.

A year down, (hopefully only) 2 more to go.

Egg-citing.

Do people really have to suffer up to a certain extent before they learn a valuable lesson? Are we really incapable of reaching a point in our lives where we are able to automatically comprehend the potential lessons that would surface and bring us enlightenment, should a particular event occur. I am convinced critical thinking would possibly make suffering obsolete in some instances. If we could just, actually think carefully, and make use of the abundance of bad historical decisions that exist around us, to our advantage. And don't give me that "not everyone can do that" bullshit. You're right. And wrong. Everyone can, albeit eventually, do that. I've seen it, and I am impressed by the few who had taken full advantage of their ability to gradually attain this thought process.

"I'd tell you at least one joke every single day."

Sometimes the unimaginable knocks at your door. Chill guys, I don't have cancer and nobody I'm close to has cancer. (Or at least not that I know of at this point.) But isn't it scary..? That word. 'Unimaginable'. (Well cancer is scary too of course..) Point is, wouldn't life be way easier if you knew what irreversible 'unimaginables' you'd be receiving later on in life, the moment you were born? Everyone would lead their lives way differently from the start. Wouldn't that equate to fully utilizing precious life?

Let's say such a time comes, that you're unlucky enough. How do you fathom an unimaginable piece of information that has been given to you with the snap of a finger? The unexpected can really hit you hard. Perhaps expecting negativity could negate some of that shock, but not all of it. Besides, how do you actually expect the unimaginable anyway?

On another note though, as much as knowing how real the possibility of a bad thing occurring to us is, we all still live our lives normally amidst the stories we hear. We tend to pay more intricate detail with our lives and what we ought to do with it only when our body becomes a more apparent ticking time bomb. It appears that there is a need, to be instilled with the idea that we are seriously dying, before we actually live. ._.

We're all just programmed to take real action only after learning things the hard way. Is this then what they truly mean by making lemonades when life throws lemons at you? That before thou receives lemons, thou shall sit idly by, use computer and waste time reading this post? Or is this a new way of saying, 'when life throws rocks at you, you start making lemonades'? Because a rock to the face would make a great wake up call that's for sure.

(Ok I swear no more lemon analogy.)

I've always undeniably harbored the thought that many would see one particular thing, in many different ways. We all have our own interpretation/misinterpretation of one particular thing. A normal friendship could be seen as one-sided to a person, absolutely perfect to the other, and yet courtship by third parties. We've always let our minds think about things the way we want them to turn out. And it shocks me how people are caught off guard the moment they realize.. oh shit... there's been a clash in everyone's portrayal of the situation.


Then we doubt, and we question how someone else doesn't see things the same way we did. But more often than not, we'd never question how WE didn't see things the same way THEY did. This is simply innate. Everyone struggles to come to consensus. And I guess the solution would be to acquire a sudden influx of selflessness.

Attaining selflessness is.. always easier said than done, but we'll try won't we, fellow neanderthal? We shall selflessly make compromise!


As of late, my poor judgement leads me to think I at times, am being taken for granted. Reason being I may have over-showered concern over people who hasn't reciprocated, been reciprocating or will ever reciprocate in the near future. But hey, iz ok.. 'Giving is better than receiving' right..?

This year I have learnt that the phrase has been and will always be nothing short of bullshit. We humans are inherently fucked up and will undeniably do things for a cause. How fucked up you are.. is directly proportionate to how unreasonably high your demands are towards your targeted reward. Be fucked up. And be proud. It is only human. But whether it is humane.. is for you to decide.


It is not very hard to believe that receiving, (unfortunately?) makes a pretty damn good motivation, to continually give even more. Because you'd know what you've been doing hasn't been for naught. There is a prize after paying the price. Just how things are meant to turn out. It's fucking convenient, isn't it?

But let's say over a long period you've decided you'd give, and you give, and you give, and you give, and you give... and never ever receive.. there's an arguable term for this. It is called infatuation. And in the long run it will wear you down, for obvious reasons.

Which is why, over the course of this recent 'infatuation' experience, the very last thing I have given is.. well.. up.

When we experience a hint of luxury more often than not we will make a bid for sustenance. But once we fail, we start yearning instead, for sustenance. We've sustained the want/need to sustain, not the ability to, sustain. And then the option of giving up what we could live without pops, only but up. We learn to yield. We have at times, wrongfully, yet inevitably, sustained yielding.

Reality slaps hard, in the face.
And yet we can, but only, sustain yielding.

So sentimental. Not sentimental no.